Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I just forgot

I read a meditation the other day, that reminded me, I am still bipolar and how easy it is to forget.  Last month's mania while came as a shock, I knew all the signs were there.  Red flags were waving like a parade and I thought I could handle it.  I had no idea that a true blown mania was about to explode.  Yet, I knew I was holding on to a very fine thread, I just didn't realize it had broke.  I became so engrossed with my past and healing from it, I missed everything.  I was even beginning to have the thoughts of feeling like, "hospital material," and it still didn't occur to me.  I do like I do with most things, deny or plow through it.  I still can't believe it actually happened.

It was easy to question if I wasn't the extreme bipolar that I am.  As my symptoms lessened and I began to make great strides from my past and the healing changes were actually happening, being bipolar became the furthest from my mind.  I was still sinking and rising, but they've become such a natural part of my being I didn't notice them anymore.  I had also begun rapid cycling and really didn't have much time to think about anything as my moods and thoughts shifted so quickly.  The amazing thing was that I was still tending to these quick changes and taking care of myself the best way I knew how.  Small manias and depression have been a part of my ebb and flow, even if they could be counted in minutes rather days, I just never thought any different about it.

I think another thing about this mania that threw me off was I was still on my meds.  I hadn't quit any of them and continued to take them as I always have.  Usually I've quit taking them for at least a year before having a crisis, but this time was different.  So it caught me off guard, which is why I ignored the warnings and found myself unprepared.  This past year has been building to this manic stage and most of it comes down to pressure.  Outside and inside.  As I tried to put the pieces of my damage life back together, it kept being blown apart by outside forces and I felt like one person against an army that I couldn't defeat.  Hell, I didn't think God could defeat it, how the hell was I?  All of this internal pressure finally combusted and the greatest lesson I learned was that nothing I ever said, did, or thought EVER warranted the abuse.  All of this time I had been scanning my whole life, turning over every rock because I believed there had to be a reason, ANY reason why I was hurt so badly as a child.  I kept thinking that I HAD to have done SOMETHING, for them to treat me so bad.  And so I have been hunting through ever corner of my mind, digging deep into my gut, tearing down every wall I ever built looking for what I had done, that gave them a legitimate excuse for the horror they put me through.  And I couldn't find it.  I couldn't find ANYTHING that I ever could of done, thought or said or even had an idea about that gave them the full rights to violate me any way they pleased.

IT WASN'T MY FAULT.     

And for so many years, I didn't know.  No matter how many times someone told me, there was no way to believe them.  I hadn't finished my search.  I just knew I had to have done SOMETHING and I found out, I didn't.  No matter what I found out about myself and them, no matter what I remembered or my behaviors that stemmed from the abuse, I discovered I did nothing to deserve this.  And that every time they told me that I did, 

IT WAS A LIE.  
EVERY TIME 
A FLAT OUT LIE

THEY DID WHAT THEY DID BECAUSE THEY WERE EVIL.

So there is a reason I missed all the warning signs and red flags of my mania,
I was on an important mission setting my soul free.  :) 

1 comment:

Meredith said...

Awesome post! I totally get missing the signs, even without having something so big as a mission. We get used to bipolar being in the background but not. The ebbs and flows become just who we are and they're less so we move on to other things needing our attention. Like life, children in any shape or form. Sometimes in the back of my mind I will think about it (hmmm, wonder if) but pass it up in favor of moving on. Not being in the past. Good move, you!