Monday, May 14, 2012

Worth It

I just read my last entry.  I saw my psych-doc over a week ago.  There is a difference.  She said it sounds like PTSD, confirming what my physician said a couple of months ago.  It makes sense.  I still resisted taking the meds.  I didn't want to surrender.  Surrendering to me is giving in to what someone else wants and I fought with myself and my doctor in my head for two days while waiting for my meds to come in.  They had to be ordered.  When I finally got them, I just let go.  I couldn't keep trying to dodge the land mines in my head anymore.

Part of my resistance was she wanted to put me on Paxil.  She said it was like Prozac, though she didn't say how.  I almost begged her for anything that wasn't like Prozac.  She wouldn't budge.  Then she threw in an anti-anxiety pill, something I have always refused to take.  So I fought with the taking the Paxil, then finally gave in.  I took the anti-anxiety pill once and my blood pressure soared while I had a doped up buzz.  I haven't taken it since.  So we are even.

The racing thoughts and inside voices have slowed way down and are almost invisible now or at least manageable.  I can actually sit and have quiet in my head.  Everything doesn't feel like doomsday and every little mishap doesn't feel like a life threatening disaster.  I'm not falling into deep pits of doom that I can't get out of it.  It is more falling in a shallow puddle that I may lay in for a while but have no problem getting back up and continuing with my day.  Not only do I have some peace of mind, I can actually enjoy parts of my day.  Things to do around the house are not large chores looming over me that I must grit my teeth and struggle with all my might to do.  And even if 90% is psychosomatic, it is worth it.  For the little bit I'm on and the little bit of side effects, it is still worth it for this kind of peace of mind.  It is worth not being on the fence for three years and feeling like I have a little more armor for the battle of my mind.  It is worth not writing about falling off the ends of the Earth all day long.  It is worth it just to care.               

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