I'm just going to see what spits out.
The last two Christmas were hell for me. Both times on the brink of suicide. I was also irate at what Christmas has turned into and was ready to lose my mind over everything. I'm OK this Christmas. It is really no big deal.
My anniversary for the first time in the hospital is this week.
I've been taking my meds twelve hours apart now for over six months. Could never do it before. I was grateful for a long time just to take them at all. I think it has help tremendously with balancing me out.
I'm stable but get so lost in my foggy head and have trouble getting out.
Still depressed most of the time, but a low, sad feeling. Though I go through periods throughout the day when the fog comes and I can't find my way out. When I keep busy before that happens, I usually do really good.
More than a high or low, everything feels like a push and pull. Stretching like a rubber band. Like I can only take so much love and then I've got to get away from it, but at least I never let go of it.
I don't know how to repeat a good day as my thoughts and mood are rapidly changing. I don't know how I did it the day before or what was different or worked. That's when the fog rolls in.
But I keep pushing and pulling a little closer each time. Someday I hope I understand better.
My personal experience with manic depression or bipolar disorder entangled with my childhood abuse and how they effect each other and my recovery
3 comments:
i will be celebrating three years today from being in the hospital for attemtping suicide...i hate christmas also...i can relate to how you feel...i'm glad i came across your post...wishing you much peace...
Hi Midnight,
It's been a while, I know. I'm glad to hear your meds are mostly helpful. What I have learned about the push and pull is that I do not have control over when it happens. I only have control over how I respond to it. My meds have helped me, along with other things, to begin to change my response to the events occurring in and out of me. I wish you a happy new year (whatever that means for you) and I wish you some serenity.
Congratulations on three years Momma Lion. I know what a tough battle it can be. Thanks for stopping by.
Hi Meredith, been a while for me as well. I'm still learning how to change that response from the push and pull, but I'm getting better at it. Takes a lot of letting go, doesn't it? Thank you for stopping by. Happy New Year to you too.
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