Monday, January 9, 2012

2012

I didn't think I would make it here.  Honestly I didn't know how far I would get through 2011.  Mentally.  I wasn't sure if I would have any capacity to hang to when last year started.  It was the closest I'd come to relishing in the thought of death in a long time. 

I conquered fears I'd never intended to think about trying to do the right things for myself.  For not only did I face them, they lead me down a different path of learning to trust myself.  I've been getting in touch with deep seeded anger that I have feared and learning to channel it in a more positive direction; instead of stuffing it back down and trying to destroy myself with it. 

My hypo manic thoughts are blending with my sadness.  My brain almost never turns off or shuts down since reducing my Respirdol six months ago.  It has been a new challenge calming down the constant flow of thoughts.  Like a sponge soaking in new material and ideas while witnessing some of the best moments of my life, I want to take it all in now.  

I think the biggest thing I learned surviving 2011 is that I want to live.  And I want to be alive.  While I will always want to escape life at those times when it is too much to bear, or have thoughts of not wanting to go on, I am feeling again.  Like a giant light has flooded my brain and body and showing me everything that is worth living for.  And that includes me.  2011 wasn't about just making it through, it was a fight for myself and if I was worth the battle for me.  As grueling as it was coming out of the trenches, I found I was more than worth it, but that I could do it.

So as we start our journey around the sun, I finally feel like I here, for once standing among you and it is right where I belong.

Happy New Year!