Wednesday, March 28, 2012

hidden

I... hurt myself today...to see if I still feel.  I..focus on the pain...the only thing that's real.-NIN, "Hurt"

While I haven't done anything to hurt myself, this is how I feel.  Overwhelmed by the stagnant feelings that if they move they spiral downward.  The cycle has yet to be broken and I yet to find the way out of the thousand of things that have made me, me for far too long.

Isn't it great to say some days are better than others and blow it off so easy?  I wouldn't know.  I can't do that.  At least not today.  The constant pressing on my shoulders and head makes me slump my head on the desk and it hits down hard.

I feel like I'm in between the spaces of being and not being.  I can't tell if I'm standing still in this zone or being pulled apart by each side.  It feels more like both.

The more my mind quiets, the louder are the screams.

Stillness=apathy

Until I muster the strength to sing
and there deep in the chords
I find myself somewhere
hidden
the notes resonate the pull
that brings me back with myself
and then it is still again

the connection breaks
and I tumble into the swallows
and I can't remember what I lost
or how to find it again

and the cycle repeats

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Churning

This is my worse part of the day.  The morning has been full of ideas and creativity and accomplishments and then I crash.  I am full of unstable emotions like a storm ready to erupt.  Anger, sadness, doubts, fears are churning and stirring and I want to act on every one of them.  I want to grab them and run with them because they are mine.  Yes, for no other reason than they are mine.  Doesn't matter that they are harmful or hurtful, it is my pain and hurt and no one has any claim to it.  Yet, every time I seize them, they do just what they are suppose to do, they hurt me.  It feels good for a while like slipping into a comfortable robe until the pain becomes so much I can't get the darn thing off.  Every fiber now infused with my being and pumping through my veins.  And it takes hours and hours to bleed that ugliness back out.  And the thought crosses my mind that I won't do that ever again.  Besides I made it out alive, it wasn't so bad after all.  As the evening ends and the morn begins this cycle again and I find myself at that mental fork in the road.  It is so easy to say, I won't do that again until I am looking at that monster in the eye again and wavering.  Why don't I know which way to go?  And why do I want to take that bull by the horns and wrestle to the ground every day like I don't have a choice about it?

 Well, I did something different with that red and black swirl in the pit of my stomach, this post.  Where it takes me from here I don't know, but I just broke the first point of impact.  One step, one difference, one link of the chain that is breaking forever more.  

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Two Words

I'm having one of those days that I am feeling stupid and worthless.  And I'm stuck.  Right now the only thing I can tell myself is that I may feel that way, but it isn't who I am.  I have yet to figure out the discernment. On some intellectual level, a very distant one I know that, but as I sit here I can barely grasp the very edge of the idea.  I can find myself all day in this mode and it is particularly unnerving trying to write a post on the dog blog that I just can't feel because I'm such a worthless human being with such stupid ideas.  I'm not sure how to separate or even how you begin to change so many years of programming.  Some days are better than others and today is one of those days when that is all I feel like.  There is probably an entire list of other feelings and thoughts associated with these two, but worthless and stupid stand out the strongest and describe everything pretty clear.

What do you do when you feel less than?  How do you self talk yourself out of those feelings?  Anyone?  

Monday, March 19, 2012

I need meds

During my mania, I felt my like brain was stripped down raw.  I had a fear I was never coming back and I was horrified of living my life in my head that way forever.  Being at home, instead of in a hospital, things move at a different pace and the reality of the effect I was having on my family was poignant when my husband said those magic words:  When's the last time you took your meds?

I remember the relief that shot though my spine and the hope when he said that.  The hope that there was an answer and a way out of this scathed environment.  I wanted to down the whole bottle to get better faster being that I was in the hallows of every paranoia and fear that I had and it had been days since I'd slept.  We played a little doctor to get my levels safely up until I began to stabilize after a day or two.  Since I hadn't stopped my meds all together, just had reduced them, it didn't take very long to begin to even out.  And being that during this mania I had went through a sort of cleansing of my body, when I went back to taking my meds it was easy to feel that I needed them.  If that makes any sense.

I need meds.  It is just that simple.  The extremes of my experience warrant that right now.  And I'm tired of trying to make it different.  Yes, it is a dream to be med free some day, but I don't have to do it all right now and if it doesn't happen, I'm OK with that.  This last mania was a good proving point.  I'm tired of thinking that meds are so evil and awful and part of the cooperate big shots money making machine.  What product isn't?  I have found two medications that work for me and help in my sanity, well being and I could bow in grateful tears every day being able to have my wrenched brain back in my hands again.  So certain I had lost it forever.  If it takes a pill to do that, I am all for it.  I don't ever want to feel that way again and not know if I will ever be able to come back.  Doesn't matter if it doesn't work for anyone else or not, all I know is that is works for me and realizing I'm the one who must take care of me.  I'm not promoting anything except what works for me and the life lesson I had to go through to find out.  My brain is precious to me, saved me through many horrors in my life and the last thing I want to do is harm it further.   And I am grateful for the meds that allow me not to do that.  And for this wrenched brain that is a beautiful blessing.  

Friday, March 16, 2012

I'll meet ya at the Moon

I went into a full blown mania last week.  Not one of my casual throw around terms, this one was had the skyrocketing to the moon and back feeling, clinging with paranoia and anxiety and more happiness than one person should have to experience in such a small time frame only to lose it again; only to find myself gripped with fear that was swallowing me whole.  I was already half way into the experience before either my husband or I even knew what was going on.  I'd felt it coming for some time, but didn't realize that I was hanging over the edge of it. 

Besides the reduction in meds, I was hit hard by the past, present and future all at once.  All that were to create a lasting change I couldn't cope with.  Back in Oct of last year, three dogs from the blog world I follow rather intently, died.  I took all of them rather hard, although I never understood why.  It wasn't until coming down from this mania that I remembered that these deaths occurred during the anniversary of my cat that was five years ago.  This cat was like my female twin and I didn't even realize I was still hanging on to her so tightly.  She had been through every part of my life and all of the hell that entailed and we had a sort of ESP, always knowing what the other was thinking.  I never properly grieved for her as I got another kitten right away and clung to the idea that she was still with me through this new kitten.

If all that wasn't hard enough, a puppy from our litter whom we haven't seen since he was 6 months old, came back into our lives for a brief moment.  The owners were thinking of giving him back to us, which was the straw that broke my mental back.  I could not handle the thought of such an emotional and physical upheaval and was scared out of mind.  This after also learning this dog had taken a bullet that was literally an inch from his heart and jugular and the fear that we might not have ever seen him again.  When we got the call from the owners, it was more than I could bare and I began to unravel at lightning speed.

Couple all of this with the worst time of the year for me.  It didn't take long to be zooming in every direction.  Since I wasn't suicidal or homicidal, I wouldn't be considered for admission and I had no desire to go to the hospital.  I needed to be in the safety of my home so that I could ride this out with as much love as possible.  And that meant my husband and the dogs and the rest of our animals.  Going through my mania put our marriage to a test neither of us realized was coming.  We actually grew stronger in ourselves and each other going through the experience together.  And if you can believe it or not, the dogs as well.  Not that I'm recommending anyone do this, but I needed the help that only our little family could give.  And while I hope to never do it again, if I had to I would do it again at home.

So as of now, I went back to my current dose of Respirdol and have kept everything the same.  BTW, I never quit taking my meds, not before,during or after this mania.  I missed a couple of doses but stayed right on them.  Before I've always been off meds for over a year before going into a full blown mania.  Then when I put the pieces back together, is when it dawned on me that when those blogging dogs died, it tore open a fresh wound that I couldn't close.  And death has always been rather difficult me to handle and three in row was pretty extreme.  It still taking some time dealing with the paranoia, but each day gets better and better.  And I can't thank my husband enough for just being there all the way through it with me.  What a difference that made.  And my patient dogs who took everything in stride, were so wonderful and loving and were able to come together for the sake of love.  I think I have the best family in the world and I dare say they think the same of me.  :)