Changing

I let myself be vulnerable on my dog blog and shared my imperfections. (post HERE)  I only got 2 comments.  I've been open about my struggles before because the dogs are my healers and normally I would be devastated by the lack of response, but this time, I expected it and it didn't bother me.  I would have read into all the reasons why and the people I thought I would get a response but didn't and actually right now I'm fine with it.  My healing and well being go hand and hand with my dogs.  All my life.  I've shared I wouldn't be here if it wasn't  for them.  But today I also shared how my character defects splash all over them too.  And sometimes people are offended by anything that they think isn't love for a dog.  Believe me, I know first hand the cruelty by people to animals, but this was me struggling with my self acceptance and that means I struggle with the dogs as well.  They are hardly poster dogs they have issues and sometimes I wish they weren't who they are because it makes life more difficult.  And difficulty is my middle name.  There's a wonderful quote at the top of the dog blog post, that really says it all and I know I can't be alone in thinking this.  When I harp on myself , I harp on everything around me.  But when I'm good with me, I'm good with everyone else.  It isn't that hard of concept or reality.  We all feel that way at some point and wishing with envy over someone else.  Well I grew up wanting to be someone other than me.  I was hated to the point that self hate is part of my being.  I have to literally slam on the brakes in order to change that thinking.  And slowly I have been doing that.  And if I'm doing that with me, I'm doing it with everyone else.  Dogs, cats, and hubby included.  It is a harsh reality that for a very long time I didn't know I was doing it it was part of my blood.  And so I've been learning to filter and it isn't easy.  I haven't self mutilated in almost a year, except once during my worst month when I was on high anxiety and dealing with my worse fears.  That has been HUGE!  I just start to do it and I stop myself.  THAT IS AWESOME!!  That is a whole lot of self love and acceptance not to hate myself and tear myself to pieces.  It is really cool to have fingers again without bandaids and screeching pain, OR ripping the skin off my inner cheeks.  They have actually healed and have been for some time.

Something is changing for the better.  And it is continuing as I learn to channel my anger where it should be directed.  LIFE IS AWESOME!  I never knew I could enjoy it this much.  No matter the depression and hard times, gifts like not trying to kill or mutilate myself in any form is priceless.  If that was as far as I was to get in my recovery, I have gained more than enough to be happy.  :)  

To anyone who reads this...Thank You.