I feel like I'm holding a train wreck in one hand and some form of peace of mind in the other. It's a strange feeling. Everything is OK inside my head (for the most part) while everything else on the outside is a mess. Although I can feel the wear and tear from the external forces of life and my mood is fluctuating, I'm OK. It's really the only word that fits. I believe I will somehow make it through even if I don't get everything done because I couldn't take life any more at that moment and took a nap instead. And that's a new word, thought, action, I believe. I've never believed I could make it through anything. No matter how many times I was at the end of my rope, trying to die, I didn't think there was a reason to make it through. And no matter how many times I talked about my childhood abuse and made it through, I didn't believe I really had as it plague me every day. And people would say it was so great to be alive. I couldn't understand that. I couldn't get it. I couldn't believe it. And I'm starting to. The fact that there are reasons and purposes, small and large that I was a part of, I couldn't believe that. And I'm believing now that it is true. That I matter and have a voice and choices in how I choose my life. Decisions I can make to change how I feel or what I do. It isn't all there, it doesn't click all the time, but I rarely go back to my death wishes. In fact it's been some time since I have. When I didn't feel worth living, being alive, and to save everyone such heartache to do myself in. Yeah, it's been a little while. And the stretches are getting longer in between. I'm just sort of in a neutral zone with myself as my confidence begins building with these unfamiliar thoughts and beliefs. Feeling around, testing them out, just to see what they are made of. Exploring. Playing. Juggling all of these things as I let them filter through. This is what my recovery is becoming. And I'm kind of enjoying it. Even with the train wrecks of life flying around me. Especially with the train wrecks. Pretty amazing.
So I hope where you are today you can have some peace of mind despite being bipolar and trauma It's there, I hope you find it.
1 comment:
Midnight,
Congratulations. I, too, never thought I'd get there. And now I also say, there is a way out. Whatever it is for each of us, when we find it, it can feel amazing. I'm in a place where I've kind of forgotten the feeling, but my brain is remembering I did feel it not long ago. So that's what I hold on to until I feel it again. Meanwhile, you are in it. You are feeling it. That is great! I am happy for you!!! Thank you for sharing.
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