Yes there are things in my present that are sad and depressing, but I'm still finding myself catching myself before I start going down that road. I really think it's that victim mentality that I've lived with for so long of feeling trapped, alone, and scared that eventually turns into hopelessness and despair. Then I'm irritable and angry all the while still grasping for what all these emotions or lack of emotions are about.
I've have honestly come to realize through many discussions with hubby and this isn't the first time I've realized the victim mode, but it's the first I've been mentally able to start to understand it and mentally in tune to be able to do something about it. And it's working. I've had three good days in a row and working on a fourth one. I'm starting to feel human and acting like an adult. And it feels pretty good taking responsibility for myself, which has been a difficult choice to make that way I've been hurt so badly from my past. But it is making sense to me and I'm enjoying the change.
I'll never grow up, but I can learn how to be mature. And it's working for me.